barbarifey's Journal
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Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in
barbarifey's LiveJournal:
| Sunday, November 6th, 2005 | | 1:07 pm |
To you, with love.
To whom it may concern, Who the fuck do you think you are? I'm finally happy. Is that too much for you? I'm not allowed because visions of what you believe would be better things have kept you from your happiness? When did you become spineless? The lying and namecalling… that’s not the real you is it? You always claimed you could tell me anything, and now that I want to hear it, you tell everyone else but me. I ask you and you say no. You are happy. You’re happy that I’m happy. I can see it though. You think just because I am with someone means I can’t see through you anymore? You’re wrong. I can. Every time I ask, and you lie, or someone makes a comment you don’t like and you walk away. I see it. Its like a red flare up in my line of sight. I know you aren’t going to give her a chance. That’s your problem. She is wonderful, I would accept nothing less. I hear what you say, even though you refuse to say it to me. I hear what you think. And I hate it. You want me to spend time with you, but how can I if you plan on being so bitter all the time about this one thing. I love her. You should know that weather you want to or not. I love her and I don’t plan to stop just because it makes you bitchy. You being a bitch will discourage me from spending time with only you. Do as you’d like with the information I have just given you but be forwarned. Change the behavior or loose me forever. You pick Current Mood:  irate | | Saturday, March 12th, 2005 | | 8:49 pm |
I feel lonely. I have been waiting a few days to spend some time with someone doing something they enjoy, and today they don't want to. They wanted to hang out with someone else who made other plans. Noone wants to hang out with me because they either see me all the time or are mad at me. I gave up on being nice the other day. I said somethings that were harsh but true to people. Now every one is mad at me. Tiffany has been in a bad mood and it rubbed off on me. I think I made her mad at the kings dinner when I asked her to be out of game in an area where in game PC's weren't still trying to talk. She stormed off. Bully for me. So I'm a bitch now. She was here at my place earlier. James went to get her. I was in my room and it was odd that she didn't say hi. James came and knocked on my door to ask me to go to a movie with the two of them and I asked which one. The answer surprised me because it was the one tippe and I saw on wednesday. I thought she hadn't liked it. She had said she hadn't liked it. Anyway, I opted out because I had this inkling that Tiffany didn't want me there. I had tickets to a comedy club tonight. Noone was interested, so I put them away and got online. I know why I've been a bitch. Have you ever been given information from someone that you thought someone else should have but you knew you couldn't share because if you did they would think you were making it up to be mean and cause trouble or you would be medling and you hate when people do that to you? Yeah, I'm sitting on someone else's secret but it involves someone I care about very much. I dont think they care about me though. If he did he would be reading this. Not likely. He reads every one elses live journals but figures he knows me well enough to know whats going on. That or he doesn't care. either way..... I could post that secret here and he'd never see it. Someone would tell him though. Then it would come back to me making it up. Then it would happen. Ofcorse it may have already happened. I wouldn't know. Noone talks to me. if it hasn't happened yet, it will. It will. I think I should start writing again. It will hurt for a while, but I need to do it. I built up this wall that only lets the smallest amount of creative energy through. When it breaks I might drown, but it will be warm and farmiler drowning. Not this cold lonely bull shit I'm choking on now. My phone just rang. It was Page. He offered to let me come drink with them. I don't drink when I am upset. It makes me feel dirty. I like oranges. Ang, thank you for the oranges. I drew faces on them. Today I ripped one of the faces open and ate what was inside. Part of my brain interpreted the action as a release of my anger. A visious act of violence on a peice of citrus fruit. Another part of my brain then cut it off with "shut up freak. Its just a stupid orange". I am apparently going crazy. Tommorw I'm going to be normal. Right now I can feel that warmth in my head. I'm going to end up writing. I think I should game. The insantiy might help me not cry. If I write, I will cry. I can do both for days on end. Neither is good for the keyboard. I need to be held. Its not going to happen because the offers I've gotten are just about sex. I don't want sex. Just to be held. Still lonely. Still cold. Damn. I'm crying. noone will notice and none of you can see, so its okay. I don't know why I'm crying. pain is invisible. I don't know what to write though. Here its easy. Stream of thought. I don't want that when the wall breaks. Not after the wall breaks... I should become a dentist. I hate teeth Me. Current Mood:  lonely | | Thursday, February 24th, 2005 | | 1:43 am |
 Your element is Fire: Strong, hot tempered, powerful, and passionate. Well now lets see, being fire you are quite strong and powerful, people look up to you greatly and often seek your protection. You have the ability to gain many friends and you are always one people can count on to do what you say you will do. You are extremely loyal be it friends or family you'll stick up for them and you are never willing to put them in a position that could hurt them. You know what roll you play in life, leader, and you intend to let people know it. Not everyone is capable of leadership but you certainly have the willpower and flare to do it. You have quite a temper if it shows itself, one that can often lead you into trouble. Once your mind is made up there is no changing it but no one said that was a bad thing. .:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers- brought to you by Quizilla | | 12:21 am |
Grrr. Did you know that the dictionary definition of the word Adult is as follows: 1.One who has attained maturity or legal age. 2.Fully developed and mature. Why is that so much to ask? Raise of hands (yes, do this at your computer, even if you are sitting in class) How many of you have ever made plans? Okay good. Most of you. Lets try another one. How many of you have noticed things move smoother with plans? Good, good. And how many of you that answered yes to the first two questions ar under eighteen? Wow, so many of you. Now why is it that you young-ins (and a few of you old farts) are so much further advanced than some? Is it truly too much to ask that people think about rides? Am I the only one who believes it is inconsiderate to hang out at someone's house without a ride home, knowing that the person you are spending time with has no car, and as it nears midnight begin asking for a ride home? Everyone knows I don't have a car, and I probably shouldn't be bitching, but I am careful about rides. I was personally insulted that someone would take advantage of people like that. Grrrr again. Don't mind me. I'm sick. And sore, and this makes me cranky. So, who needs details huh? Nah, I don't need to go into it. I know the culprit would use names, but I don't need to. The good news is that other than being sick, and tired, and irate, and broke, I'm okay. I got new clothes. And bananas (THAT is the way its spelled) and milk, and home made lasagna. I love my mommy. If anyone reading this is intrested in healers guild stuff, email me. | | Sunday, January 30th, 2005 | | 3:16 am |
I was having a bad day, but Tom made it better. Isn't he great? Don't people SLEEP around here? Sheesh. Who uses a blender at two am? Current Mood:  good | | Wednesday, January 26th, 2005 | | 8:37 pm |
| | 8:23 pm |
I'm awake. I don't want to be awake. How horribly rude are people who go pounding on doors waking people up when they know how much said people want to sleep? I was told today by a doctor that I probably have mono and that I need rest. NOT POSSIBLE WHEN I HAVE COURTNIE KNOCKING ON MY DOOR! Note to everyone: Waking me up when I am wanting sixteen hours of sleep and getting two is a good way to get blacklisted. I haven't yet tried to kill anyone. Bully for me. Thought about it though. No clue yet as to how the sick thing will effect the mythic thing, but we will find out. | | Wednesday, January 19th, 2005 | | 2:38 am |
I figured something out today. January is almost over. February comes next. I hate the holiday in february. It never goes well for me. Last year it was alright till the last bit. This year I have a feeling it will suck. And hurt. I had a good day today though. I smiled alot. And someone made me feel special. I don't get that much. I wasn't second choice. I went to dinner. It was great. I watched some Buffy with James. Also great. He begged me to watch it so he would have a destraction from homework. I finally got the computer and I'm hiding in my room updating the journal. I'm doing good for a change. My throat is killing me but I have a doctors apointment on Friday YAY!!! I have been irrate the last few days becasue I keep running into the same problem. Beleive it or not I am a very secretive person. I may share alot with a few close friends, but I don't like my secrets to go any further. Why is it they keep going further? I mean everywhere I turn I am hearing more personal information about people being leaked from sources that SHOULDN'T LEAK. Breech of the privacy in firndship code is a huge deal is it not? Even little things tend to stay secret, or they should. If I want someone to know my sexual preferences or my goals for the futer, or hell, my shoe size, should I not be the one to tell them? I was SOOOOOOOO mad the other night to hear things I make a point not to share talked loudly about infront of people I hardly knew. Many of you have seen how Natasha acts toward starlite right? How mad she gets when her secrets get out? Heres a clue for you... Natasha and myself do have things in common. I do get angry and hurt in those situations. I feel I have a right to. Current Mood: sore | | Sunday, January 2nd, 2005 | | 8:06 am |
"Type "pyramibread" as many times as you'd like while playing Sutek's Tomb to see the next possible move." If you were me, you would understand. | | Monday, December 20th, 2004 | | 11:35 pm |
Bah Humbug
So, today sucked. I woke up way late, and I slept through my Doctors apointment. I went to castle for a while and durring a conversation there I realized that I am soooo not looking forward to christmas. I love Christmas. I always have, but this year I have noone to share it with. My roommates all hate it, most of my friends hate it and my Family is counting me out of theirs. I am unhappy with the whole thing. I haven't gotten to do anything festive at all. No going caroling or down town to see the lights on temple square. No christmas shopping. Nothing. It sucks, alot. Now, people are being so Bah-humbug that when I preform on christmas eve they won't attend because they hate christmas. What happened to the warm fuzzies and religious feelings huh? I thought we were getting back into that whole spirit. Meh. I don't know why holidays are starting to make me more and more bitter. This world is not a good one for optimists. I did however threaten to become a flight attendant and I found a way to go to college. So here is the deal. If you reply to this, you take the poll. Should Tonya.... A)Go to School B)Become a flight attendant C)Suck it up, stay in the city and make due. I don't know what I want to do. I feel restless and afraid to leave all at once. I would like to think enough people count on me that it matters if I stay or go. I could be wrong. I don't want to be though. I want to be happy and loved. Not miserable and forgotten. Current Mood: crushed | | Sunday, December 19th, 2004 | | 4:23 pm |
| | 4:06 pm |
| | 3:18 pm |
Its Sunday. I lived all the way through sunday!!! Woot. Anyway, I Larped all weekend. Suncrest. It was interesting. I got to play Natasha on saturday. Someone made the mistake of calling her by one of those titles that just makes your skin tingel with power for no aparent reason. Ga'vell called her Guildmistress. It was wonderful. She apparently misses the title. Of corse, at the time had I asked him to call me Lady Natasha High ruler of all creation he might have. I had just taken a big old slay for him. I'm still broke. I figured you all might know that, but I thought I'd share. Ballet fell through last night. I am almost greatful, but I was really tired. And sick. I was sick. I woke up Friday morning with the worst ear ache I've had in years. I'd gotten roughly 45 minutes of sleep and it was almost seven AM. I stayed in bed and evenutally woke up Dave to whine (I don't do so often mind you. Whining was never my thing.) I waited till nine thirty to wake him up cuz I'm nice like that. I called my mom to find out what I was supposed to do about it. She said to call my doctor (I don't have one) Or the insurance company so that I could get an appointment to see someone that day. I called the clinic my last doctor had worked in and they said that she'd retired, so they switched me to a new doctor, but she left for a new practice, and they would love to switch me to a new doctor but the clinic closed november 30th. I have no idea why I didn't get a recorded message saying they'd closed. There was actually someone there. Anyway, I called the new clinic and they said someone could see me on monday. I said no thank you,I needed to be seen that day. I called the insurance company four times and finally got someone who was willing to help me find a doctor with openings that day. There weren't any. I had to call the insurance company one more time and they said go to an emergancy room. Aparently they cover all of those visits 100%. This was around twelve. I asked Dave to take me to the emergency room. He said no. He had plot stuff to do. HE SAID NO!!! *flashback for my own amusement* Its after two am and I'm at mythic. Its friggin freezing. James just handed me a list of stats for NPC's. I had been playing Natasha but she wasn't feeling too good, so I stopped and went to NPC. I was running spiders in the basement, you know, the garage with the loading dock? (half of the people who are reading this just got why I am typing this flash back) Anyway, I had Rob and Frank playing big friggin spiders and Frank was attacking Morda. Frank was getting his ass handed to him so he Jumped off the loading dock. No big deal, its four feet. Morda followed him. Morda wears an eyepatch. Morda had no depth perception, landed wrong and hurt himself. Tonya (thats me, if you don't know that, what the hell are you doing reading my live journal? Just kidding, read on)Took Poor hurt Dave (thats Morda, he was broken) upsatirs and put him in a love sac. He said he was okay, but couldn't move. James said rest, or go to the hospital. Dave tried resting, but when the pain didn't go away, we opted for the hospital. Did I mention it was cold? Yeah, there was snow outside. I drove him to the ER in snow. I don't drive and I hate snow, but I did so anyway. I also called his father on the way there to let him know thats what we were doing. I am scared of his dad and I called the man at roughly three am to tell him his son got hurt and I was taking him to the ER which would cost him money. We got to the ER and checked in, in about half an hour they ha Dave in the back, doing X-rays and what not. I sat there for hours, waiting for news. They wouldn't let me go back there origonally. I guess Dave asked nicely and they let me back. The doctor and Dave explained what happened. Apparently he'd broken his back Larping. I called the event and let James know what was going on, as well as a few others, who flipped out when we left. I waited there, with him, for the many hours we were stuck in the hospital. He slept and I stayed up, making and taking phone calls and answering questions. I was up all friggin night. It sucked horribly. I spent the next few months driving his car because he was too drugged to do so, takin him to appointments and such. making sure he was comfortable. all that Jazz. And he said NO!!! It would have been maybe three hours of his time. His plot thing didn't happen till four and he spentt most of the day sleeping. Yeah, I was mad. I still am pretty miffed. Is that wrong of me? I don't like being mad at people just because they do something stupid, but that was just mean. A number of other people offered to take me there though. Two of them said tehy'd miss work for it. So, some people would miss work to help me out even though I don't owe them a big favor, I'm not sleeping with them, and have no money, but The person I had done something simaler for on a bigger scale wouldn't post pone gaming shit for me? Ouch. Current Mood: irate | | Tuesday, December 14th, 2004 | | 10:43 pm |
You little crafty thing! Haha, you're a racoon! Proud of yourself, a bit hyper and over-curious, but you like to watch things from the safety of your own home. What Furry are you? brought to you by Quizilla | | 10:12 pm |
So apparently I'm supposed to update this damned thing. I'm sick. I have been for about two weeks. It has sucked. I'm sitting here listening tyo poeple talk plot. I like gaming, but I shouldn't be this involved. I was never ment to get this into gaming. You know, show up and play, maybe NPC or help run a modul or two, but I'm on two plot teams. Oi. I want to go to college. I really do, and I will evenually but I can't afford it. My sister leaves for school the first week of January. My parents are paying for it. They suck. They will pay for her to go to Idaho to draw, but even knowing I'm the smarter of the two of us they won't even pay for my housing. Eh. I'm the oldest. I get to pick out the old folks home. So my holiday money fell though. All of it. I was supposed to rack up at least a little cash for christmas. Now I can't even pay rent. It bites. I'm working on it though. Current Mood:  cold | | Sunday, November 28th, 2004 | | 3:22 pm |
Current Mood: bored | | Wednesday, November 17th, 2004 | | 2:56 am |
opening
Okay, so I was on line talking with Adam and Jon and people like that when I checked the adress history bar on the laptop. Live Journals was on there (weird huh?) any way I remembered that some of my friends have live journals so I checked them out and decided to start one. Hey, I can be as angsty as the rest of you alright? I've decided I best include a warning here. Some of you know this, some of you don't. I don't deal in cute little nicknames. I plan on using your actual names (or the nickname I know you by best) so if I say your name, it might be you I'm talking about. for those who were wondering, I'm alright. Still upset about things, but alright. I'm lonely though. I expected hurt, and upset, hell, I expected horny, but lonely caught me off gaurd. I didn't realize how much I lost in the last year. and what a year it was. But guess what? I don't regret any of it. Alot of it was stupid, but I learned and it made me better. Now... how does one fix lonely? Eh, I'll deal. Over and out, SINBAD the great Current Mood: lonely |
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barbarifey's journal
